Spain - The Beginning

Well, I am at the end of the beginning for getting ready to study abroad. Just turned in the last of my application/visa papers...so now I just wait in anticipation. Of course I need to begin getting everything together that I need to take with me. Which doesn't seem like a lot right now, but I am sure will be a ton.

Spain is going to be such an adventure in my life. I am hoping that it is going to springboard my life. I really hope that I am not expecting too much from it however. I feel like when I am in Spain my life will all of a sudden make sense and I will know who I am for once and blah blah blah. This seems like such a high expectation, however one high expectation that I am really really praying for. I want to come back from Spain and just get it all. Understand what I am here for, my purpose on this planet. It is a long stretch, but I feel like being away from my family and friends is really going to make a huge difference. Having to fend for myself in a place totally out of my comfort zone for 3.5 months is going to be such a challenge, but such a breakthrough.

In my life I have always felt like I have lived in a bubble. One that I have been trying to break my way out of for my whole life. I guess balloon may be a better word for what I feel stuck in. I have always just had an image of myself pushing and pushing on the side of this bubble/balloon (whatever you want to imagine) and having it give but not break. It moves when I push, but there is no way that I am able to break free for some reason. Well Sevilla, Spain. Be the sharp edge that I need to get out. Please. (A breakthrough with my Spanish skills wouldn't be too bad either).

Pues, ahora yo necesito dormir. Hasta luego.

So here I am, working on homework, reading a pointless textbook and thinking of all of the time I have wasted today reading. I do not even feel like reading the Marketing textbook is going to benefit me in any way other than allow me to do well on my next test, which for some reason I am nervous for. Small things. So small. I feel like right now my life consists of so many small, pointless things that I get worked up about. This I do not like. I want to be able to look into my past and see great things, yet all I have right now is school, reading Marketing textbooks and hanging out with friends doing pointless things. I need out. Out of this routine. Out of it all. I need to do something beneficial with my life.

I join clubs, but they don't do much. Environmental Council doesn't really do anything. We sit there and discuss what other people and clubs are doing. Amnesty International...well that lasted 2 weeks and then that fell apart. Not enough people. But that was last year. So now I have a goal. Start up Amnesty International again. This would be such a fun thing to do I think. And then I would have something solid to work on. Something that will make the time I spent on it matter to someone other than me.

However I will be gone all of next fall. In Spain. Which is going to be an adventure in itself. Thank God. I am really hoping that Spain will be the jumpstart I need. I will be out of my comfort zone (hopefully, there are some who think I am just going to be put where I belong...naps, food all day, frickin awesome Spanish language and late nights?? Rock it.) and hopefully able to truly find myself. I have been on this "find myself" kick. Which is very difficult for me. I am all over the place and I move quickly.

Recently I have had a few interview for some summer jobs. Nothing special. 9-5 working on the computer supporting staff. Typical day-job. Which pisses me off. Since when have I ever wanted a typical day job?? Since never. Yet thats what my goal is and I have no idea why. Maybe, I tell myself, maybe this is what you need to do to start off...maybe you just need that beginning experience. I don't know. I hope so. Because in 10 years if I find myself working for the weekend I will be so disappointed in myself. In 10 years I better be doing something worth spending my time on. Because my time is precious. I only have so much of it and it is too precious to be wasted. Much too valuable.

Well, thanks for reading my modge-podge of thoughts that I needed to write down in order to get them out of my head. I guess I will be going back to my marketing book. Lovely night.

The Refusal

I refuse to give others the power to make me feel less important than I truly am.
I refuse to allow myself to be told I am not worth it.
I refuse to believe that I am too small for this world.
I refuse to be someone that I am not.
I refuse to be intimidated.
I refuse to give in to the pressure.
I refuse.

Acquainted with the Night

I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain -- and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an uninterrupted cry
Came over houses from another street.

But not to call me back, or say good-bye;
And further still at an unearthly height,
A luminary clock against the sky.

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
I have been one acquainted with the night.

- Robert Frost